Top 5 Real Housewives Moments of All Time!

October is officially “Real Housewives” month, y’all! In honor of the premieres of RH of Atlanta and Beverly Hills coming in the next two weeks, I wanted to take a stroll down memory lane and recount my favorite moments from everyone’s favorite reality guilty pleasure.

5) “Close your legs to married men!”

Atlanta, Season 1 – Episode 8

Who could forget Nene’s unforgettable tagline from the Atlanta Season 1 reunion show? It seemed to be her only defense against the clueless Kim’s explanation of her relationship with the ever-mysterious “Big Poppa.” (Watch the Video!) The drama continued a few months later when Nene visited “Watch What Happens Live” and Kim called in with a bone to pick. The irony is certainly not lost on me that Nene is there to promote a book called “Never Make the Same Mistake Twice” while she once again blasts into a wild rage punctuated by slams like “trash box,” “hook-uh,” and “wig” that have since worked their way into my everyday vocabulary. (Watch the Video!)—take it, and run with it.

 4) Vicki gets nailed at Lake Havasu

Orange County, Season 4 – Episode 5

Ahhh, there are so many memories over the years from the famed Lake Havasu with the original Housewives gang from Orange County. Who could forget the knock-down, drag-out “Frankie-gate” incident (Watch the Video!) or the revelation of Ryan’s “NUGGET” tattoo? (Watch the Video!) In case you forgot—“Nugget” was the nickname given to his unborn illegitimate child that was miscarried in the first trimester—a perfectly suitable inspiration for an inner lip tattoo that will disappear in a matter of months. But the best Havasu clip came when God finally decided to take some revenge on the razor-tongued Vicki Gunvalson by smacking her in the skull with a water soaked nerf football. There’s not much more to say about it—just (Watch the Video!) for yourself and listen carefully for the faint cheers of Housewives fans worldwide in celebratory joy as Vicki finally gets what’s been coming to her. WOO-HOO!

3) Welcome to Scary Island

New York City, Season 3 – Episodes 11, 12, 13

I have never been more enthralled by a 3-part string of Housewives episode than I was with the “Scary Island” saga of the latest season of RHofNY. Everything went my way on this trip (Watch the Video!)—Bethenny got in some amazing one-liners (“gummy bears don’t grow off the vine!” was her response to Kelly stating in one breath that she never eats processed foods and also loves gummy bears). Alex attempted to model for Kelly’s bizarre beach photo shoot but ended up looking like the girl climbing out of the well in “The Ring.” Sonja awkwardly confessed her bisexuality. Ramona drunkenly declared it “TURTLE TIME!” Kelly “Satchels of Gold” Bensimon took more jelly bean induced dives off the deep end than Greg Louganis in 1988. And yet after all that, the biggest bomb had not yet been dropped–the trip was magically capped off by Jill Zarin’s surprise appearance in an aqua muumuu expecting to be greeted with open arms by her castmates. Let’s just say, to my delight, it didn’t quite turn out that way. (Watch the Video!)

2) The Last Supper: Teresa flips out

New Jersey, Season 1 – Episode 7

Perhaps the most infamous scene in Housewives history came courtesy of the thug-tastic cast from the Garden State. The driving force of the entire first season was the exposure of a book (“Cop Without A Badge”… HA!) written about Danielle’s dark and mysterious past accusing her of crimes ranging from kidnapping to prostitution to involvement with Columbian drug rings. It all came to a boil in the season finale when the cast and their families all joined for a meal. Danielle wasted no time in whipping out the book and indicting the Manzo’s with slandering her name. It didn’t take long for Teresa to chime in by inquiring which parts of the book were indeed true (the answer is “Name change. Got arrested. Pay attention. PUH-LEASE.”) Seconds later Hurricane Teresa took hold of the dinner table and tossed it on its side (Watch the Video!), resulting in the most talked about Housewives moment of all time.

1) Kim hits the recording studio

Atlanta, Season 1 – Episode 5

No housewife has brought me more joy than Atlanta’s wig wielding Kim Zolciak. She is so aggressively delusional that I simply cannot take my eyes off her when she’s on the screen. Her defining moment of season one came when she was paired up with a vocal coach (Watch the Video!) in hopes of advancing her dreams of country music superstardom. After being told she essentially can’t sing a note, Kim asks “Where does that come into play when singing in the studio?” In her defense, she makes a pretty valid point given the criteria for modern pop musicians. From there she met up with producer Dallas Austin to record her debut single “Tightrope,” and the results were more than I could have ever hoped for (Watch the Video!). While the single never came out, she picked up the pieces in season two and delivered us the original Housewives jam “Tardy for the Party” which reached the top 10 dance tracks on iTunes as has been blowing up by dance parties ever since.

So that’s it folks, my favorite botox injected, martini slamming, wig snatching, cuff making, white house crashing, gold digging moments in Real Housewives history. Share some of your favs in the comments section and here’s to many many more to come!

I Dreamed a Dream

This is everything I could ever want and 10 million times more!!! In case you missed this week’s episode of Glee, check out this stunning rendition of “I Dreamed a Dream” from Les Misérables featuring Idina Menzel and Lea Michele. The big reveal is that Vocal Adrenaline coach Shelby is (SHOCK!) actually Rachel Berry’s biological mother!!! Didn’t see that coming considering they are practically identical. Their voices here blend to absolute perfection providing us with one of the most emotionally rivoting performances of the season.

My only beef…. when are we going to get to meet Rachel’s dads?! They’ve got to be a hoot! Catch the video below and sound off in the comments section about your favorite Glee performance this week!

Like A Virgin

I’m a born-again blogger!

Take a second to catch your breath… I know it’s a pretty thrilling moment. It’s been months since you’ve gotten a taste of my witty pop culture banter and you’ve been having more urges than Rosie O’Donnell at a Lumber-Jane festival. Well gas up your chain saw and get ready to log roll because KG Off the Chain is back, bitches!

Since we last saw one another, so much has gone down in the world of TV, music, and movies that I don’t even know where to begin. I have a rapidly growing list of topics I want to chat about, but I wanted to welcome you all back with a bang and give you my top 5 off-the-chain pop culture nuggets of the past few months. Well, here goes nothin’!

5. RuPaul’s Drag Race – Season Two

How on EARTH did I miss season one of Logo’s breakout hit RuPaul’s Drag Race?! For those of you that haven’t been lucky enough to catch an episode, Drag Race pits twelve of the nation’s top drag performers against one another in an America’s Next Top Model style competition. The world’s first drag superstar, RuPaul, serves as both the Heidi Klum and Tim Gunn of the show, hosting the elimination ceremonies as a woman and losing the makeup and gown to mentor the contestants as they prepare for each challenge. As you can imagine, everything about this series is over the top. Challenges range from having the queens make over an old man into their “drag mother” to seeing who can make the most money performing in a raunchy burlesque show and selling cherry pie gift certificates outside of the venue. Last week’s finale was explosive as Tyra “The Other Tyra” Sanchez sashayed away with the title of “America’s Next Drag Superstar” after she owned runner-up Raven in the final “Lip Synch For Your Life” showdown. Yes… you read correctly… Lip. Synch. For. Your. Life. Enough said!

Watch the entire season NOW at www.rupaulsdragrace.com! And while you’re at it, upload your photo into “The Dragulator” and turn yourself into your very own drag superstar!

4. Simon Curtis – 8Bit Heart

I was clicking through some blogs and stumbled upon this new artist that I have absolutely fallen in love with! His name is Simon Curtis, and he might look a little familiar. Simon got his big break in 2009 as the star of Nickelodeon’s High School Musical rip-off Spectacular! (I didn’t choose to use that exclamation point… it’s literally a part of the title…). Luckily for Simon and all of us, he’s shed his faux teen idol veneer and has created a delicious electro pop album entirely about…. robot sex. Well, that may not be exactly true; however, one track does include the line “Try to play it like you think you’re something so hot / Hate to say it, but I’d rather fuck a robot.” The songs manage to be extremely catchy and creative while simultaneously telling a rather captivating story about a robot trying to find love in order to become a real person. In a post-Lady Gaga world, it takes a lot for a new pop artist to break outside of the box and I think 8Bit Heart is both interesting and marketable enough to captivate an increasingly diluted pop music audience.

Download Simon Curtis’ debut album 8Bit Heart for FREE at www.simon-curtis.com!

3. Pitch Slapped covers “Halo” by Beyonce at ICCA

As most of you know I am a total a cappella nerd! While I was pretty disappointed with the NBC series “The Sing-Off”  featuring a few of my favorite college groups, I was way more excited to see some videos start popping up from this year’s International Championship of Collegiate A Cappella! While the SoCal VoCals took the title for a second time this year, the real stand out for me was Pitch Slapped from the Berklee school of Music. On top of having the best name I’ve heard in quite a while, Pitch Slapped nailed every number in their set with standout soloist and a rock solid, perfectly blended ensemble. Take a look at their cover of Beyonce’s “Halo” and I dare you not to get a goosebump or two!

Check out more from Pitch Slapped at www.pitchslappedacappella.com

For more information on ICCA visit www.varsityvocals.com

2. Glee: The Power of Madonna

Holy crap. Just when I thought Glee couldn’t possibly be any more awesome… this happened. After a long winter hiatus, my favorite show finally returned in April and the second episode back was entirely devoted to the Queen of Pop herself, Madonna. I’m not a huge fan (I’m a part of the Britney generation!) but Madonna’s cultural influence and catalogue of hits speak for themselves. Every number was a showstopper, with highlights including Sue Sylvester’s frame-by-frame reenactment of the “Vogue” music video and Kurt and Mercedes joining the Cheerios for a roof-raising rendition of Madge and JT’s 2008 collaboration “4 Minutes.” Speaking of raising the roof, I almost shot through mine at the realization that the craptastic American Idol had run long and my DVR had cut off the finale number!!! It was a restless night of tossing and turning until FOX finally posted the episode on their website and I got to watch Rachel, Finn, and the gang (backed by an 80-member gospel choir!) take on “Like a Prayer.” And holy mother of Lourdes did they DELIVER! To no one’s surprise, the episode’s soundtrack debuted at #1 on the Billboard Charts and Glee has officially become the highest rated new scripted series of the season! Looks like we won’t be seeing New Directions take their final bow anytime soon! Gleeks rejoice!

Watch the episode for FREE at www.fox.com/glee!

Buy the EP Glee: The Power of Madonna on iTunes HERE

1. Lady Gaga and Beyonce’s Telephone Music Video

No words.

So what out there has been yanking your pop culture chain? I don’t know about you, but I’m ready for a cocktail in the interior illusions lounge… if you care to join me, sound off in the comments section!

Until next time! And remember, as RuPaul would say… if you can’t love yourself, how the hell you gonna love someone else? Can I get an amen?

Let the music play.

VMA West Side Story Promo

MTV is promoting their upcoming 2009 Video Music Awards (Sept. 13, 8:00pm central) with a star studded spin on the musical West Side Story. The video features Taylor Swift, Katy Perry, Ne-Yo, Russell Brand, Cobra Starship, and Leighton Meister as millenial versions of the characters from the Sondheim classic. Despite the fact that no one featured in the clip (with the exception of maybe Ne-Yo) can actually sing, auto-tune manages to help enough to make the clip thoroughly entertaining. I hope the actual VMA’s can follow suit because I have been disappointed in the show for the past few years. Hopefully this promo is a sign of good things to come!

So You Think You Can Dance

How many of you guys have been watching Fox’s summer staple, So You Think You Can Dance? I’ve always caught an episode here or there, but this is the first season I have become officially addicted! From what I’ve gathered from the episodes I’ve seen in the past, this is the most diverse and well rounded cast in the show’s five year history. In the past, the competition has been dominated by male hip-hop dancers, while this year’s cast specializes in a much broader range of styles like Broadway, contemporary, ballroom, and more. I’m going to try and give some more in depth recaps as the season progresses, but for now I’ll just highlight (in my opinion) the two dancers who I believe have the most off-the-chain potential!

Girls: Kayla Radomski

I’m no professional dancer (although my signature squat-and-slap move is really catching on) but I do know what I find entertaining. Kayla Radomski may or may not be the best dancer of the season, but she is certainly the most magnetizing. The judges have not said a bad word about her from day one and she has been on the “hot tamale train” (a reference I dont quite understand as a new viewer of the show) for 3 of the last 4 weeks. Do I think she’s amazing just because Nigel tells me she is? I don’t know. What I do know is that I can’t take my eyes off of her, and that says a lot considering she’s now dancing with Kupono (hey girl HEY!) I think she is young, fresh, fun, and very talented. And from what I’ve seen the show really hasn’t had any winners like her, so if I were a betting man I’d throw all my chips towards Kayla walking  pirouetting away with this season’s title.

 

Guys: Brandon Bryant

Brandon started the season off with a bang by turning Mary Murphy‘s “woo hoo!” into a “boo hoo” as she was brought to tears by his epic contemporary solo. Things were looking bright for this guy as he headed into Vegas week; however, to everyone’s surprise Lil C and Mia Michaels decided to take him down a few pegs. In the end, Brandon made the top 20 and came into the live shows determined to prove his ability to the haters. His strength matched with the sauciness of his salsalicious partner, Janette has been a show stopping combination on the SYTYCD stage. And the Queen of Contemporary, Mia Michaels even took back her harsh words during last week’s live show. I think that Brandon is just one of those guys that is good at everything he does, and while he may be a cocky bastard because of it, his talent cannot be denied. With Mia and the rest of the judges firmly in his corner, I think he is in it for the long haul!

So how about you guys!? Who are your favs this year? Are you as in love with Mia Michaels as I am? Are you thinking of rocking Sonya‘s killer mohawk? How much more effing fierce can Cat Deeley really get? Let me know what you think in the comments section!

Tony Awards 2009

Ugh.

Just when I started to really get into the whole blog thing, my life has been turned upside down! I am working like a mad man and am trying to find some extra time to keep up with all the things I find “off the chain!” I have a three day weekend coming up, so expect some action in the next few days.

In the meantime, did anyone catch the Tony Awards?! Here were my favorite OTC moments

- Bret Michaels redefines “headbanging”

- Neil Patrick Harris’ showstopping finale <3

- Favorite Musical Number: Guys & Dolls!

What about you guys?! Did you watch the Tony Awards? What were your favorite moments? Sing it loud and proud in the comments section!

Top 15 OTC Performances of American Idol 8

Wow! It has been over a week since the Idol finale and I am definitely experiencing withdrawals. In order to ease the pain I thought it might be fun to take a look back and rehash the 15 most off the chain performances of season 8.

15. Lil Rounds – Be Without You (Semifinals Week 3)

For one very brief moment in the semifinals, Lil Rounds fulfilled the role of the sassy R&B diva that this season was so desperately lacking. Homegirl even went so far as to change up the lyrics to this MJB hit in order to encourage viewers to call in and vote for her. “Call this show if you just can’t be without me bayyy-baaay!” Off the chain. Unfortunately, she never lived up to the standard of this performance again throughout her run on the show.

14. Danny Gokey – You Are So Beautiful (Top 3 Performance Show)

Yes, I’ll admit it. He is a good singer.

13. Adam Lambert – Ring of Fire (Top 11 – Grand Ole Opry)

Perhaps the most polarizing performance in Idol history, I originally hated Adam’s lip-snarling, Arabian Nights take on this Johnny Cash classic. However, once I jumped on the Glambert bandwagon I realized how genius it was in its over-the-top glory. Partner that with the hilarious reaction of mentor Randy Travis and this is one for the Idol record books.

12. Tatiana Del Toro – Saving All My Love For You (Semifinals Week 1)

I was totally expecting Tati to come out during week one of semifinals and make a total fool of herself, butchering some overdone Idol tune. But to my surprise, she gave a shockingly competent performance of this Whitney Houston hit and saved the embarrassing moments for the judge’s critiques (“One world. All genres, baby”).

11. Alexis Grace – Dirty Diana (Top 13 – Michael Jackson)

One of the most robbed contestants in Idol history (even more so given the damn judge’s save!) delivered a powerhouse vocal during Michael Jackson week. Even after the phone sex debacle left her stuck with the number 1-866-IDOLS36, she easily soared through to the next round.

10. Anoop Desai – You Are Always On My Mind (Top 11 – Grand Ole Opry)

After Anoop’s subpar performance of “Beat It” during MJ week, Simon expressed his regret for adding him to the top 13. For country week, Anoop came out swinging, delivering a riveting rendition of this Willie Nelson classic. Simon took it all back and Anoop punched the air with glee.

9. Danny Gokey – Dream On (Top 4 – Rock Week)

Worst. Performance. In. Idol. History.

It makes the list only because it brought me so much joy to watch this tool make such an ass of himself.

8. Kris Allen – Falling Slowly (Top 7 – Songs of Cinema)

Kris started to emerge as a frontrunner after this stunning vocal performance, although he totally got the shaft from the judges. This was the week that only two of the judges were allowed to critique each song. Poor Kris drew the short straw and got stuck with Paris and Nicole Randy and Kara. Randy said that Kris’ spot on vocal was “pitchy” while Kara gave him kudos for choosing an obscure song (that won an Academy Award). Luckily, even all of that tomfoolery couldn’t mask how beautiful this performance was and America kept Kris in the competition.

7. Megan Joy – Rockin’ Robin (Top 13 – Michael Jackson)

“CAW! CAW!” Enough said. Off the chain.

6. Allison Iraheta – Alone (Semifinals Week 2)

With little screen time up until this point, America was introduced to 16-year-old Allison Iraheta with a commanding vocal performance of Heart’s “Alone.” While this song is widely considered untouchable on Idol after Carrie Underwood’s infamous rendition, Allison was the first contestant to do it justice since season 4, and she was rewarded with a spot in the top 13.

5. Kris Allen – Ain’t No Sunshine (Top 2 Performance Show)

Kris took one of his strongest performances of the season and smoothed out each little imperfection to make it even more off the chain than it was the first time around.

4. Adam Lambert & Allison Iraheta – Slow Ride (Top 4 – Rock Week)

The stars aligned when Adam and Allison paired up for a duet during Rock Week. The voices. The crouched stance. The outfits. The backlit embrace. Unlike the duet between Kris and Danny, it was clear that these two were having the time of their lives. Every last second of it was off-the-chain amazing.

3. Allison Iraheta – Cry Baby (Top 4 – Results Show)

After her wrongful elimination (during ROCK week?!), Allison Iraheta took the stage with a mission. Deliver the best damn swan song in Idol history. Mission accomplished. With tears streaming, Allison looked the judges dead in the eye and wailed “CRYYYY BABAAAYY!!” with a power and conviction her performance slightly lacked the night before. It was the perfect way for my girl to go out. Can’t wait to buy her album!

2. Adam Lambert – Mad World (Top 8 – Birth Year)

Adam Lambert proved his versatility with this stunning, stripped down performance, eliciting Simon’s first ever standing ovation on a performance night. While I much prefer over-the-top, glam rock Adam, there is no question this performance will be remembered for years to come.

1. Kris Allen – Heartless (Top 3 Performance Show)

Best song choice EVER! Kris showed America that he was the most current recording artist left in the competition during the Top 3 performance show with this amazing acoustic version of Kanye West’s recent hit. The Vaughan sisters and I almost passed out it was so off the chain. This one is definitely going down as one of the best in the American Idol history.

Photos courtesy of americanidol.com

Jon & Kate Plus Hate = Ratings Gold

 

Last night’s season five premiere of TLC’s Jon & Kate Plus 8 became the highest rated program in the network’s history with 9.8 million viewers (more than double the ratings of the season 4 finale in March) tuning in to witness some of the most awkward moments in reality TV history.

 Jon and Kate each recorded their interview commentary separately, a pretty telling sign that they absolutely can’t stand each other. Jon literally looks like a corpse. Kate is slowly but surely morphing into an even meaner version of Martha Stewart. I feel so dirty for loving every second of this. The majority of the episode centered around Kate planning the sextuplet’s 5^th birthday party. While the show has become depressing when focused on the martial tension of J&K, one thing that hasn’t changed at all is that these kids are off-the-chain adorable (especially Leah!). Even my cold heart broke a little bit when little Alexis asked Jon not to leave home anymore.

I want to feel sorry for Kate, but throughout the show she kept giving me more reasons to dislike her. I almost couldn’t believe it when she ran to grab the piñata so she could shake the candy out instead of Jon. Whoa. While I am enamored by the extremely uncomfortable mood of the show, I hope that fame-hungry Kate soon realizes that this has to stop for the sake of those kids.

What did you guys think of the premiere? Are you a “Team Jon” or “Team Kate?” Who is your favorite Gosselin kid? Am I the only one that thinks chocolate cake with peanut butter frosting sounds disgusting? Do you miss Aunt Jodie? Sound off in the comments section!

Top 5 Reasons Why “Glee” is My New Favorite Show

First off…. if any of you didn’t catch the sneak preview of Glee following the American Idol performance show on Tuesday, you need to go iTunes or FOX.com RIGHT NOW and watch it for free. For those who missed it, Glee tells the story of Will Schuester (Broadway vet, Matthew Morrison), a high school Spanish teacher looking to reclaim his glory days by leading the school’s struggling glee club back to the success it once was. I’ve watched the pilot three times already and have been crazily stalking the show on Facebook, Twitter, and anywhere I can find more information! I’ve certainly never been this excited about a show after just one episode… but for good reason. Here are the top 5 ways I have justified my obsession with this outstanding new series:

5) This show is NOT a High School Musical rip-off.

In the pilot alone the difficulty of cheerleading is compared to being waterboarded, a teacher bribes his student by planting weed in his locker, and a kid in a wheelchair sings “Sit Down You’re Rockin’ the Boat.” Something tells me Walt would be rolling in his grave (or cryogenic freezer) if Disney starting producing stuff like this. Ryan Murphy (creator of Nip/Tuck) is the mastermind behind Glee, and his dark sense of humor is certainly evident in the pilot. Additionally, the comedic genuis of Jane Lynch (The 40 Year Old Virgin, Best in Show) gives the show a punch of adult humor that will appeal to a much broader audience than the kiddie antics of Sharpay Evan and Troy Bolton.

4) Kristen Chenoweth is guest starring in Episode 4!

I think that cast member Chris Colfer puts it best in this sneak peek of Kristen’s guest appearnce when he says “Working with Kristen is what I can image a priest would go through if they worked with Jesus.” Check out the behind the scenes video here, courtesy of the Los Angeles Times.

What a perfect addition to this already delicious show! After Pushing Daisies bit the dust, I’ve been waiting for Kristen to find the next perfect project. Here’s hoping that the Wicked star could possibly find a more permanent home on the set of Glee! I’ve also included one of my favorite YouTube videos of Cheno in all her glory, demonstrating her extreme off-the-chainness. Enjoy!

 3) Lea Michele.

Best known for originating the role of Wendla in Spring Awakening, Lea Michele is far and away the break out start of Glee. She plays Rachel Berry, a pint-sized dynamo with a busy MySpace schedule, two gay dads, and the voice of a seasoned professional. Above blowing the roof off every time she sings, she is also absolutely hilarious as the unpopular star-in-the-making. She doesn’t know which of her dad’s is the biological father. One them is black. LMAO! 

 2) The fall preview looks just as promising as the pilot!

OTC!!! 

1) The music if off the chain!!!

 ”Rehab” and “Don’t Stop Believing” were both amazing in the pilot (iTunes top 25 most played, here we come!) and from what I am hearing its just going to get better from here! They have recorded over 40 songs already for potenital use on the show. Ryan Murphy has said in interviews that multiple soundtracks a year are going to be made available. AHHH! Click here to listen to a sneak preview of some of the music the show will feature in the fall! Upcoming songs inlcude “Halo” by Beyonce, “It’s My Life” by Bon Jovi, and “Somebody to Love” by Queen.

The only thing that I don’t like about this show is that I have to wait 3+ months for the next episode! I’d love to hear why you guys love Glee and how you are coping with the long hiatus! Comment below!

Visit the Official Glee Website HERE

Follow Glee on Twitter HERE

Become a Fan of Glee on Facebook HERE

American Idol 8 Finale – OFF THE CHAIN!!!

Hey girl, hey!

So, I’ve wanted to start my own pop culture blog for some time now (inspired by my homegirl Kate!) and I thought that there was no better event to kick it off with than the American Idol finale! It has been quite a season, filled with extreme highs (Allison Iraheta 4-EVA!) and the lowest of all lows (Kara Dioguardi… she will not be granted the prestige of being bolded.) I think that Adam Lambert and Kris Allen may be the strongest top two in the show’s history. Publicly I claimed that either one of them could win, but inside I didn’t think Kris had a shot in hell. More on me crapping my pants later.

The show kicked off with a series of video packages for each of the judges that were meant to be silly but in reality just managed to point out how horribly ill-equipt these people are to evaluate a singing competition. Thank god the packages were short because I could feel the blood getting ready to pour out of my ears if I had to hear Kara say “sweetie” one more time. On a more positive note, Paula Abdul is looking banging tonight. Paula gets my first “OFF THE CHAIN” of the night. The one and only reason I am glad Kara joined the judging panel this year is because it made me realize how much I absolutely adore Paula in all her bat-shit-crazy glory. I was, however, a bit peeved that “timbre” wasn’t included in the Paula montage of ridiculous vocabulary. My Idol viewing team, the Vaughan sisters, have a theory that Paula draws her music terminology insiration from a word-of-the-day calendar.

Seacrest lets us know that last night’s vote set a new record, nearly reaching 100 million! I don’t understand how the shows’ ratings keep going down, yet the vote count keeps increasing? In 5 years when I’m the only Idol viewer left, I’m sure the finale will have a “record-setting” 8 billion votes.

Sidenote: How many camera guys did Janice Dickenson have to suck off to get this much face time? Damn… get it, girl!

Adam and Kris are introduced and they are wearing matching all-white outfits. Season 4 tranny contestant Mikalah Gordon is in Kris’ hometown. Her mystic tan and lip injections scare a small child speechless. OFF THE CHAIN. My favorite Season 7 Idol Carly Smithson is in Adam’s hometown of San Diego. I’m a bit disappointed that her position on the Idol spectrum ranging from Jim Verraros to Carrie Underwood is apparently equivalent to that of Mikalah Gordon. What a shame.

The top 13 are singing Pink‘s “So What” and Allison is being horribly under-utilized. Eh, I’m probably just still bitter. My mom and I both realized we completely forgot about Jasmine and Jorge, and after they each botched their one-line solos I kind of wish I had never remembered. I really appreciate how the Idols this season seem to realize how corny the group numbers are, yet fully embrace the cheese. The top 13 are having a lot of fun, and so am I!

David Cook gave a stunning performance of his new charity single “Permanent” in memory of his brother, Adam who recently passed away from cancer. Proceeds from the iTunes sales will benefit cancer research. Love it. And that glory note?…. off the chain.

The second that Seacrest started introducing the Golden Idols I starting squirming with excitement that Tatiana Del Toro would be making her triumphant return to the Idol stage!!! But up first was Norman Gentle, taking home the “award” for Best Male. He takes the stage in a hoodie and does a pretty good job of convincing me he actually didn’t know he would be recieveing the prize. But of course, the hoodie comes undone along with the final shreds of Nick Mitchell’s dignity when he busts into his umpteenth rendion of “And I Am Telling You.” Although, I do have to admit I let out a cackle after the performance when he exclaimed “Norman Gentle. ’09. Peace Out.” and stomped out of the Nokia Theater.

Lil Rounds returns to the Idol stage with THE QUEEN! Lil should be thanking her lucky stars that the Idol producers hooked her up with this duet. Latifah must have sprinkled some of her sassy-black-lady fairy dust on Lil back stage because Ms. Rounds finally delivered a performance filled with the vocal riffs, homegirl attitude, and fierceness I have come to expect from my Idol divas. Vonzell Solomon would be proud.

After the commercial break, Anoop and Alexis sing the opening verse of “I’m Yours” and Jason Mraz scales the staircase to join the top 13 for the rest of the song. I am still shocked that the likes of Megan Joy, Michael Sarver, and Scott MacIntyre outlasted the amazingness that is Alexis Grace. I’m even more pissed that the judges wasted the save on Matt Giraud and his giant forehead mole instead of sparing one of the only talented female singers of the season. Whatevs!

A video package highlights Kris’ Idol journey and Seacrest introduces his duet with Keith Urban. Cue my mom gasping with glee as if I hadn’t told her 20 minutes ago that he was going to be on the show. The duet actually rocks, I’m definitely downloading this one! My dad, who is apparently now a music business consultant, insists that Kris should go country. I think he should stick to the Jason Mraz-vibe, but after that performance maybe my dad is onto something!

The girls of the top 13 (I forgot there were only 5 of them!) are up next singing “Glamorous.” I’m a little bit pissed that Jasmine got to sing the coveted “flossy flossy” line. Fergie comes out to join the ladies for “Big Girls Don’t Cry” but ends up pretending the Idols aren’t even there. I am continually shocked at how Fergie has the body of Heidi Klum and the face of Bea Arthur (RIP, baby girl!). The dark hair is not doing her any favors. The Black Eyed Peas come out for an energetic rendition of “Boom Boom Pow.” The song still sucks but those back-up dancers in the head-to-toe lycra jumpsuits were fierce. I can feel my dad cringing from across the room. I can hear the thoughts processing in his head “this is music?!” Randy could not disagree with my dad more, he is LOVING this performance. Megan Joy is dancing in the aisle like a mentally challenged stripper, and I love it. “CAW!! CAW!!”

Bikini Girl wins the award for “Best Attitude” and she takes the stage in a Hillary Clinton style pantsuit. Not really. She is of course sporting a bikini and a rockin set of new “boobies” (as the Real Housewives of New Jersey would say). Randy Jackson tucks his erection into his waistband as Bikini Girl reprises her rendition of “Vision of Love.” I don’t know why I had no idea this was coming but Kara Dioguardi enters from the back of the stage to totally blow Katrina out of the water! Despite being a horrible judge and even worse songwriter (“You’ll make it through the pain/ Weather the hurricane”… really Kara?), she’s actually a pretty good singer. And this officially hit off the chain status when Kara ripped open her dress to reveal her pasty bikini-clad body at the end of the song! OTFC. Off. The. Freaking. Chain.

I almost creamed my pants when Seacrest announced Allison and Cyndi Lauper were up next. If the chain is located at the Nokia Theater in Hollywood, this performance would have to be in another solar system it was so far off it. I can not for the life of me figure out why the judges didn’t pimp this girl for the top 2. She would have been a superstar had she taken the title. I hope and pray she has a bright future in the music industry.

Danny Gokey is up next. He sings with Lionel Ritchie. I can just imagine the producer brainstorming session that went into that pairing. Who could possibly be lame enough to sing with Danny? Barry Manilow must have been booked.

Glambert is up next with a video package chronicling his Idol journey. Adam Lambert has every right to be a total diva and I am so proud and excited every time he shows what a genuinely nice person he is. I realize during the package how emotionally invested I am in his success. I am SOOO pulling for a Glambert confetti shower at the end of this shindig. After the package Adam is on the perch dressed as Edward Schissorhands in glitzy platform boots. OFF THE CHAIN. I have never heard this song, but my dad is very excited because he knows whats coming next… KISS! They descend upon the Idol stage in a blaze of smoke and pyrotechnics. Glambert is as fierce as ever, breaking the sound barrier with his tounge-wagging wail. KISS doesn’t hold up quite as well. Let’s just say time has not been too kind to these gentlemen. By the end of the performance a guitar is in pieces and the audience is on their feet. Epic.

Carlos Santana starts us off after the commercial break. The Idols join him for “Smooth.” It is alot of fun. Lil Round’s air guitar is a highlight for me. Whoa! Scott is getting awfully close to the edge of the stage and Megan Joy is too busy still pretending she is a bird to pull him back to safety. Luckily the song ends before Scott takes an inadvertent stage dive. Whew.

Adam and Kris are given Ford Fusions and they could not be less excited. They pretend to be friends in the video package. “Let’s go for a ride, dude.” “OK, let’s go!” Then they both got into their seperate vehicles. HAHA

Michael Sarver + Megan Joy + Steve Martin + a banjo + a song containing the line “if I took you out to dinner, would you make love to me?” = WAY less of a hot mess than I was expecting! Megan looked great and both of their voices really suited this style of music. Crisis averted.

Danny leads the top 13 guys in a rendition of “Do You Think I’m Sexy?” The answer is a resounding no. Rod Stewart divas out and sings “Maggie Mae” without any of the Idols. BOOOOOO! Rod’s singing sounds like how I imagine Anthony Federov sounded the day after his tracheotomy. I’m not a fan, and no matter how many times my parents exclaim “he’s still got it!” my opinion will not waver.

THE MOMENT HAS COME!!!! THE GOLDEN IDOL FOR OUTSTANDING FEMALE GOES TO…..

TATIANA (Nicole?) DEL TORO!!!!!

Oh shit. She is getting the shaft. I am PISSED. I can’t belive Tati agreed to this shtick. Seacrest pretends they don’t have time for her to sing or even accept her award, and she storms the stage for a reprise of “Saving All My Love For You” while two security guards pretend to chase her. Whatever. You put her in the top 36! Why are you acting as though she’s not welcome on the show?! Was she ever in the running to be the Idol? Hell no! But she is hilarious and brought so much to the show this season. Love her or hate her, this bitch will be remembered! Luckily, she looks and sounds fierce! The laugh is on you, producers!

After the break, Kris and Adam take the stage for a killer take on Queen‘s “We Are the Champions.” The stage centerpiece rises up to reveal Queen, the fallen Idols, and a swaying gospel choir engulfed in a sea of smoke and an epic light spectacle. Off. The. Chaaaaaaaaaain (Oprah voice)!!!!!

And now… here it is! The moment we’ve been waiting for. This finale was actually so awesome I forgot that this was going to end with the crowning of a winner. At this point I can’t imagine Adam NOT winning. Some man with a buisniess suit, British accent, and apparently more credibility than Seacrest comes out with the envelope to remind us that indeed almost 100 million people voted last night. Alright, lets get on with it… dim the lights…. blah blah…. the winner is…

WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! The winner of American Idol 2009 is Kris Allen!

Ok, I picked my jaw up off of the floor and in 30 seconds have completely justified this fiasco to myself. Here is how:

1) Adam doesn’t have to sing the travesty that is “No Boundaries” EVER again. Victory.

2) Kris’ reaction was so effing adorable I can’t help but love him. For some reason, tonight I completely disregarded the fact that he has been one of my favorites over the course of the season. I got so caught up in Glambert fever that I forgot how much I really do like Kris.

3) His encore performance of “No Boundaries” was 100000 times better than it was last night. I actually enjoyed it. Plus, the embrace with his button-cute wife was too sweet!

I think that both Adam and Kris have bright futures. I think Adam will ultimately benefit from not having the title of American Idol. Whether I think the right choice was made by America or not… this was GREAT television. I was legitimately surprised by the outcome of the show, an Idol first.

Awww, another season down. I am always so sad to see it go. I cannot wait for next year! I know the females are going to represent. I want to thank anyone who made it through this whole recap. I hope you enjoyed it! My posts usually won’t be this long… I just had so much to say about the epicness of the Idol Finale!

Alright, I’m off to go rewatch the premiere of Glee for the third time! Woot!