Hey girl, hey!
So, I’ve wanted to start my own pop culture blog for some time now (inspired by my homegirl Kate!) and I thought that there was no better event to kick it off with than the American Idol finale! It has been quite a season, filled with extreme highs (Allison Iraheta 4-EVA!) and the lowest of all lows (Kara Dioguardi… she will not be granted the prestige of being bolded.) I think that Adam Lambert and Kris Allen may be the strongest top two in the show’s history. Publicly I claimed that either one of them could win, but inside I didn’t think Kris had a shot in hell. More on me crapping my pants later.
The show kicked off with a series of video packages for each of the judges that were meant to be silly but in reality just managed to point out how horribly ill-equipt these people are to evaluate a singing competition. Thank god the packages were short because I could feel the blood getting ready to pour out of my ears if I had to hear Kara say “sweetie” one more time. On a more positive note, Paula Abdul is looking banging tonight. Paula gets my first “OFF THE CHAIN” of the night. The one and only reason I am glad Kara joined the judging panel this year is because it made me realize how much I absolutely adore Paula in all her bat-shit-crazy glory. I was, however, a bit peeved that “timbre” wasn’t included in the Paula montage of ridiculous vocabulary. My Idol viewing team, the Vaughan sisters, have a theory that Paula draws her music terminology insiration from a word-of-the-day calendar.
Seacrest lets us know that last night’s vote set a new record, nearly reaching 100 million! I don’t understand how the shows’ ratings keep going down, yet the vote count keeps increasing? In 5 years when I’m the only Idol viewer left, I’m sure the finale will have a “record-setting” 8 billion votes.
Sidenote: How many camera guys did Janice Dickenson have to suck off to get this much face time? Damn… get it, girl!
Adam and Kris are introduced and they are wearing matching all-white outfits. Season 4 tranny contestant Mikalah Gordon is in Kris’ hometown. Her mystic tan and lip injections scare a small child speechless. OFF THE CHAIN. My favorite Season 7 Idol Carly Smithson is in Adam’s hometown of San Diego. I’m a bit disappointed that her position on the Idol spectrum ranging from Jim Verraros to Carrie Underwo
od is apparently equivalent to that of Mikalah Gordon. What a shame.
The top 13 are singing Pink‘s “So What” and Allison is being horribly under-utilized. Eh, I’m probably just still bitter. My mom and I both realized we completely forgot about Jasmine and Jorge, and after they each botched their one-line solos I kind of wish I had never remembered. I really appreciate how the Idols this season seem to realize how corny the group numbers are, yet fully embrace the cheese. The top 13 are having a lot of fun, and so am I!
David Cook gave a stunning performance of his new charity single “Permanent” in memory of his brother, Adam who recently passed away from cancer. Proceeds from the iTunes sales will benefit cancer research. Love it. And that glory note?…. off the chain.
The second that Seacrest started introducing the Golden Idols I starting squirming with excitement that Tatiana Del Toro would be making her triumphant return to the Idol stage!!! But up first was Norman Gentle, taking home the “award” for Best Male. He takes the stage in a hoodie and does a pretty good job of convincing me he actually didn’t know he would be recieveing the prize. But of course, the hoodie comes undone along with the final shreds of Nick Mitchell’s dignity when he busts into his umpteenth rendion of “And I Am Telling You.” Although, I do have to admit I let out a cackle after the performance when he exclaimed “Norman Gentle. ’09. Peace Out.” and stomped out of the Nokia Theater.
Lil Rounds returns to the Idol stage with THE QUEEN! Lil should be thanking her lucky stars that the Idol producers hooked her up with this duet. Latifah must have sprinkled some of her sassy-black-lady fairy dust on Lil back stage because Ms. Rounds finally delivered a performance filled with the vocal riffs, homegirl attitude, and fierceness I have come to expect from my Idol divas. Vonzell Solomon would be proud.
After the commercial break, Anoop and Alexis sing the opening verse of “I’m Yours” and Jason Mraz scales the staircase to join the top 13 for the rest of the song. I am still shocked that the likes of Megan Joy, Michael Sarver, and Scott MacIntyre outlasted the amazingness that is Alexis Grace. I’m even more pissed that the judges wasted the save on Matt Giraud and his giant forehead mole instead of sparing one of the only talented female singers of the season. Whatevs!
A video package highlights Kris’ Idol journey and Seacrest introduces his duet with Keith Urban. Cue my mom gasping with glee as if I hadn’t told her 20 minutes ago that he was going to be on the show. The duet actually rocks, I’m definitely downloading this one! My dad, who is apparently now a music business consultant, insists that Kris should go country. I think he should stick to the Jason Mraz-vibe, but after that performance maybe my dad is onto something!
The girls of the top 13 (I forgot there were only 5 of them!) are up next singing “Glamorous.” I’m a little bit pissed that Jasmine got to sing the coveted “flossy flossy” line. Fergie comes out to join the ladies for “Big Girls Don’t Cry” but ends up pretending the Idols aren’t even there. I am continually shocked at how Fergie has the body of Heidi Klum and the face of Bea Arthur (RIP, baby girl!). The dark hair is not doing her any favors. The Black Eyed Peas come out for an energetic rendition of “Boom Boom Pow.” The song still sucks but those back-up dancers in the head-to-toe lycra jumpsuits were fierce. I can feel my dad cringing from across the room. I can hear the thoughts processing in his head “this is music?!” Randy could not disagree with my dad more, he is LOVING this performance. Megan Joy is dancing in the aisle like a mentally challenged stripper, and I love it. “CAW!! CAW!!”
Bikini Girl wins the award for “Bes
t Attitude” and she takes the stage in a Hillary Clinton style pantsuit. Not really. She is of course sporting a bikini and a rockin set of new “boobies” (as the Real Housewives of New Jersey would say). Randy Jackson tucks his erection into his waistband as Bikini Girl reprises her rendition of “Vision of Love.” I don’t know why I had no idea this was coming but Kara Dioguardi enters from the back of the stage to totally blow Katrina out of the water! Despite being a horrible judge and even worse songwriter (“You’ll make it through the pain/ Weather the hurricane”… really Kara?), she’s actually a pretty good singer. And this officially hit off the chain status when Kara ripped open her dress to reveal her pasty bikini-clad body at the end of the song! OTFC. Off. The. Freaking. Chain.
I almost creamed my pants when Seacrest announced Allison and Cyndi Lauper were up next. If the chain is located at the Nokia Theater in Hollywood, this performance would have to be in another solar system it was so far off it. I can not for the life of me figure out why the judges didn’t pimp this girl for the top 2. She would have been a superstar had she taken the title. I hope and pray she has a bright future in the music industry.
Danny Gokey is up next. He sings with Lionel Ritchie. I can just imagine the producer brainstorming session that went into that pairing. Who could possibly be lame enough to sing with Danny? Barry Manilow must have been booked.
Glambert is up next with a video package chronicling his Idol journey. Adam Lambert has every right to be a total diva and I am so proud and excited every time he shows what a genuinely nice person he is. I realize during the package how emotionally invested I am in his success. I am SOOO pulling for a Glambert confetti shower at the end of this shindig. After the package Adam is on the perch dressed as Edward Schissorhands in glitzy platform boots. OFF THE CHAIN. I have never heard this song, but my dad is very excited because he knows whats coming next… KISS! They descend upon the Idol stage in a blaze of smoke and pyrotechnics. Glambert is as fierce as ever, breaking the sound barrier with his tounge-wagging wail. KISS doesn’t hold up quite as well. Let’s just say time has not been too kind to these gentlemen. By the end of the performance a guitar is in pieces and the audience is on their feet. Epic.
Carlos Santana starts us off after the commercial break. The Idols join him for “Smooth.” It is alot of fun. Lil Round’s air guitar is a highlight for me. Whoa! Scott is getting awfully close to the edge of the stage and Megan Joy is too busy still pretending she is a bird to pull him back to safety. Luckily the song ends before Scott takes an inadvertent stage dive. Whew.
Adam and Kris are given Ford Fusions and they could not be less excited. They pretend to be friends in the video package. “Let’s go for a ride, dude.” “OK, let’s go!” Then they both got into their seperate vehicles. HAHA
Michael Sarver + Megan Joy + Steve Martin + a banjo + a song containing the line “if I took you out to dinner, would you make love to me?” = WAY less of a hot mess than I was expecting! Megan looked great and both of their voices really suited this style of music. Crisis averted.
Danny leads the top 13 guys in a rendition of “Do You Think I’m Sexy?” The answer is a resounding no. Rod Stewart divas out and sings “Maggie Mae” without any of the Idols. BOOOOOO! Rod’s singing sounds like how I imagine Anthony Federov sounded the day after his tracheotomy. I’m not a fan, and no matter how many times my parents exclaim “he’s still got it!” my opinion will not waver.
THE MOMENT HAS COME!!!! THE GOLDEN IDOL FOR OUTSTANDING FEMALE GOES TO…..
TATIANA (Nicole?) DEL TORO!!!!!
Oh shit. She is getting the shaft. I am PISSED. I can’t belive Tati agreed to this shtick. Seacrest pretends they don’t have time for her to sing or even accept her award, and she storms the stage for a reprise of “Saving All My Love For You” while two security guards pretend to chase her. Whatever. You put her in the top 36! Why are you acting as though she’s not welcome on the show?! Was she ever in the running to be the Idol? Hell no! But she is hilarious and brought so much to the show this season. Love her or hate her, this bitch will be remembered! Luckily, she looks and sounds fierce! The laugh is on you, producers!
After the break, Kris and Adam take the stage for a killer take on Queen‘s “We Are the Champions.” The stage centerpiece rises up to reveal Queen, the fallen Idols, and a swaying gospel choir engulfed in a sea of smoke and an epic light spectacle. Off. The. Chaaaaaaaaaain (Oprah voice)!!!!!
And now… here it is! The moment we’ve been waiting for. This finale was actually so awesome I forgot that this was going to end with the crowning of a winner. At this point I can’t imagine Adam NOT winning. Some man with a buisniess suit, British accent, and apparently more credibility than Seacrest comes out with the envelope to remind us that indeed almost 100 million people voted last night. Alright, lets get on with it… dim the lights…. blah blah…. the winner is…
WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! The winner of American Idol 2009 is Kris Allen!
Ok, I picked my jaw up off of the floor and in 30 seconds have completely justified this fiasco to myself. Here is how:
1) Adam doesn’t have to sing the travesty that is “No Boundaries” EVER again. Victory.
2) Kris’ reaction was so effing adorable I can’t help but love him. For some reason, tonight I completely disregarded the fact that he has been one of my favorites over the course of the season. I got so caught up in Glambert fever that I forgot how much I really do like Kris.
3) His encore performance of “No Boundaries” was 100000 times better than it was last night. I actually enjoyed it. Plus, the embrace with his button-cute wife was too sweet!
I think that both Adam and Kris have bright futures. I think Adam will ultimately benefit from not having the title of American Idol. Whether I think the right choice was made by America or not… this was GREAT television. I was legitimately surprised by the outcome of the show, an Idol first.
Awww, another season down. I am always so sad to see it go. I cannot wait for next year! I know the females are going to represent. I want to thank anyone who made it through this whole recap. I hope you enjoyed it! My posts usually won’t be this long… I just had so much to say about the epicness of the Idol Finale!
Alright, I’m off to go rewatch the premiere of Glee for the third time! Woot!
